| That's right. This is the last xanga post for Nehm4. Not because Nehm4 will not be. But because Nehm4 isn't.
Explaination:
It is funny where life brings you. One minute you're this, and the next, you're something totally different. And you're wondering how you became what you are. Then you wondering why you weren't what you are now, before. This is life. Life is, indeed, exciting, how it sways. And there are those days where a person could just sit back, and gaze upon reminiscence, and wonder...just..wonder...Why couldn't it have always been like that? Why can't I go back to that? Why did I do that? I wish that never happened. Can't I go back?
Today I went through some of the first xanga posts I wrote. (And I can just imgine you now start to wonder what I wrote back in the olden day(I call it the "olden day", but yet, it was just 3 years ago!).) I was crazy back then. I was brave, but I was stupid. Seriously. I was computer smart, but when it came to life, I stunk. Everything was useless to me, unless it had some profit to myself. I was selfish. And selfish people eventually show their true colors to everyone around them.
Anyway...today I was going through some old posts. And the feelings just swell up everytime, because, I know how good my friends were; and I know what kind of stinkingly selfish motive I had behind every comment and post. Btw, when I say "friends", that is more than including my siblings, for they are my best friends. And my friends were always true blessings. I don't believe I was though. Even if I was, it's not that. It was my motive that always got me And it's what bad things I did to hurt people. And it's what I could've done right.
I'll tell you the worse thing I did; what hurts the deepest. I replaced God and family and friends with the computer. This wonderful contraption was the god of my life, when it should have been simply a blessing from the One True God of life. It was a blessing, but I made it a god. It was fun. It was cool. It could glorify me. What more could I want? And then later I made an army game my god. Because why? Maybe because I liked shooting people and showing them that I was bigger, better, and faster than them. I don't know. I was selfish.
Mingled with these sad memories are memories of joyful experience of running, jumping, studying, trailblazing..etc..with my siblings. Then I think of all my friends in the homeschool group. Those were fun days. Tree tag and ghost ghost. Oh what fun.
But then...the memories fade and a warm tense tense feeling streams into my mind like hazzy warmth on a summer day. Then I see my siblings, out in the field, staring at me. They're happy, but I know they want me. They want me to come back to them. I see them. I want to go to them, but I can't...because it's the past. I can't fix the past. Then, it's there that I'm torn. My mind splits. I realize that I can never fix the monster I was. It is there that a million feelings mix.
I have asked for forgiveness from my siblings, and they've more than forgiven me. God has blessed me with them, indeed. But there is still that deep deep hole in my heart. And later, I accepted Jesus into my heart for real, and I mean..for real. And He has forgiven me, and I'm now learning to be a better disciple, trying..desparately. But there's still that same hole. How could it not have gone away by now? And then I know...it's now just me. I haven't forgiven myself. My hatrid of myself is now all that is left to the hole. Except, now, I don't hate myself. I just haven't forgiven myself fully. It is something that takes time. Lots of time.
And now I realize, the more I read God's Word, the better. The better for everything. It's...THE Word. My life guide. My Brother. My Father. My Love. He's healing me, and I know it. I can feel Him, gently pushing me along in the right direction.
And it's now, my dear readers, that I realize I am on a totally different path in life. Not only that. I'm a totally different person. My identity is still Josh, but my person is different. I hope that, in the years to come, when somebody hears the name Josh, they will think of Christ. Purely, Christ. I cannot follow Him without fail, but I can follow Him with everything I have. With all my might. And I hope I lead people with me. His people, following Him. Oh, that this would be my destiny.
And it's here I find that Nehm was never Nehemiah. Nehm was what I thought was a cool name. Nehm is my old, dead, rotting skin. I left it behind months ago.
So, my dear readers, I will choose a different name. I cannot decide. All the Josh's are taken up. If you can think of something, please tell me.
And if you read this, I thank you. You know me well now.
I encourage you. Live life well. This doesn't mean have fun. It also doesn't mean not to have fun. Spend time with others. Care for them. Realize what a blessing good friends are. Look to God for help. He will help those who reach out to Him. Believe me. He will help you.
-Josh |
